Dear Diary

“Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes, your ocean eyes.”——Billie Eilish “Ocean Eyes”

Monday. Apirl 4th.

A nunnery? Did he mean the whorehouse, where naked girls dance to please the costumers? Or did he mean the real nunnery, where I should become numb to the world and never have the chance to marry? Am I bothering him that much? A nunnery……. I thought I might be the only one who could keep him sane. After his father’s death, he drowned into deep grief and bathed with hatred. I can still remember his clear eyes, only love was shown to me when we made eye contacts. Those blue eyes used to deliver love, but now I can see no more. His mouth used to chant beautiful poems for me, portaiting his gentle love, but now it is all craziness, madness, and ravings. His hands used to hold the swords, displaying elegant moves, but now he slaps, punches, and shakes.

I couldn’t believe he spitted those venom to my faces, because the love that I felt between his arms was so true. I don’t know why he didn’t belive my virginity and related it to my visage. He should know I only loved him, and I only slept on one man’s bed except my father, which is his.  Oh, I never wanted to be the “breeder of sinners”! If possible, I would like to be the breeder of Hamlet—–his wife. His words were his knife, cutting my faces, stabbing my heart, and destroying my dignity. My lover, he was a liberal lord, but fading to a revengeful devil.

Should I help him? Should I give him a hand, pulling him out of his grief and madnees? But what if I am not strong enough so he drag me down instead? What if I turn to a creature like him, full of hatred and anger? Is this worth it? I don’t know, I guess I will just take his words anyway. Maybe that can ease his pain.

If my angel will not return, I will dance with the devil.

( Hamlet )

Tuesday. Apirl 19th.

“Help, I lost myself again, but I remember you.” ——Billie Eilish “Six Feet Under”


This cannot be real.

My father is dead. I saw the cut on his body, blood messed with rotten flesh. They covered a piece of cloth over his corpse. The blood dye it to red. I can see the blood, I can see it even I close my eyes. Why, why the world treat me like this? My lover lost his mind and was sent to England. Now my father is taken from me! What did I do wrong! Do I deserve this? GOOD LORD, would you open your damned eyes and show some mercy?!

I can feel it, something deep inside my soul is damaging my reason and tearing my conscience apart.

I need you, Hamlet. Come back. Where are you. I have some flowers for you.

Would you like rosemary, daisy, or violets?

(See, I have some beautiful flowers for you.)

Saturday. Apirl 23rd.

I can’t stand it.



The Song of Life

Human is weak. We suffer from ailments, injuries, and diseases throughout our lives. Cancer, diabetes, fracture, fever, and even flu may bring us great pain. A lot of us were born with healthy body condition, which allows us to live normal lives and experience the diversity of the world. In contrast, some people born with misfortune. Recently, I am watching a documentary called The Mortal World (it does not have an English name, I translate it from Chinese. The Chinese version is 人间世 and the pinyin is Ren Jian Shi). It talks about various kinds of diseases in every episode and how the doctors conduct the surgeries for patience in hospital. After watching it, I really realize how much I am blessed to be healthy and complete. The episode that hurt me the most is episode one from season two. 

(Life kisses me with pain, I answer it back with a song. Click here to watch the episode.

Firework is the name of this episode. Firework doesn’t last long but it is beautiful. It is used to describe the children who got bone neoplasm. The tumors in theirbones cause great pain to them and will soon transfer to other places until they conquer the whole body. Amputation is just a possible way to prevent the tumors from spreading. The tumors can spread fast and it is very difficult to control them, which will easily lead the patience to death. Those kids are only elementary students and they are too young to stand with this level of torture. Whats more, their parents have to look after them at hospital and try to make as much money as they can at the same time. In the kids eyes, parents are strong. Parents bring them hope. Those moms and dads do not want their kids to see them cry, to see them collapse. They cry at night, they dry up the tears at dawn, and they greet their kids with smiles in the morning. In my opinion, one of the biggest tragic in the world is for parents to watch their children pass away. 

(Don’t give it up when you feel pain. Have a candy. Candy can ease your pain.)
(An Zai loves to play video games, because the characters have multiple lives. Unlike him, he only got one.)

I suddenly begin to think about my parents. The show reminds me when I got a little sick, my dad would be extremely nervous, which was kind of funny. He seldom shows too many emotions normally, but he revealed his care when his son was sick. For me, I feel embarrassed to hear I love you from a grown man like my dad, but I can truly feel his love, which is enough for two men. 

This is a valuable show. It helps us re-define our deaths and our lives. It helps us cherish our time.

Are you smart enough to control your smart phone?

During the Christmas holiday, I went to watch the movie Kill Mobile”, which is adapted from the Italianmovie called Perfect Stranger. The movie described a scenario that seven people were having a small party in one of their house. At the middle of the party someone proposed to play game to enhance their friendship. The rule of the game asked everyone to put their cell phones in the middle of the table while having conversation, any text or phone call would be shown and answered in public. Although there were some people that were extremely nervous at the beginning, they all started to play the game. Cell phone is like a huge blanket that covers all the secrets, miserable experience, and ugly deals. Once there are chances for people to open othersblankets, they got curious and excited. These seven people discovered each others’ difficulties and secretsthroughout the game. Their daily lives were tightly connected to cell phones, which made this game very harmful to everyone. Just in an hour of time, their phones exposed tremendous astonishing news: some of them cheated on their partners, some of them already got divorce with their mate, and some of them were even raped by their boss. 

Even though the movie is a comedy, the fact is actually sad if you think deeper and more carefully. The purpose of this invention is to make people closer by facilitate the way of contact. However, cell phones have evolved with so many recreational functions under the impact of the rapid technology development these years. The appearance of Apple started a revolution of cell phone; smart phones take over the whole market andcompletely change peoples lives. They replace a large amount of daily supplies such as computers, calculators, TVs, mp3s, GPSs and wallets and so on. Every day, people order meals with phones, chat with others on the phone, read passages on the phones, and play on the phones and so on. We spend too much time on our phones everyday like some social media or games and so on, but we forget to communicate and deliver our emotion to the people we care and love. Smart phones are so powerful that people stick with them every moment in their lives leading to estrangement, misunderstanding, and chaos. The more time that is spent on the phone means the more it knows about you. When everything that is valuable for us are all on the storage of the phone, we will not care about our friends, family, and love. All we do is going on the phone, blocking away any direct communication. It is tragic to see what we invented conquer our decision, our schedule, and our life, isn’t it?

Our life should be colorful. Smart phone is only a small piece of the huge painting, its existence makes the painting more detailed, but its absence shouldn’t destroy the whole picture. We need to believe in ourselves and don’t let smart phones control our lives.

Is Hiphop Dead?

Hip-Hop, Hip-Hop is dead. —– Nas Hip-Hop Is Dead

I have mentioned in my first blog, About Me, that I really enjoy listening to hip-hop music during my free time. The exciting drum beats, the surprising flowarrangements, and the outstanding use of lyrics of this kind of music deeply attract me and drag me into its traps. I was introduced to Hip-Hop when I was in grade six. I listened to Eminems Not Afraid for the first time after two years he released that album. The first few seconds when I was listening to the song, I could not understand a single word he spitted. All I knew was this guy did not take a breath through his whole verse, which is longer than a minute! Therefore, I began to search for more songs that beat me with machinegun-like lips, rapping hundreds of words like a tornado when others are singing love songs that make me sleepy. After I dug out more information about Hip-Hop, I have learned that this type of music was born in the hood (or street, ghettoas they called). The first time it started to thrive is during the late 1980s and the 1990s: there was a large tide of Hip-Hop running through the whole United States, completely overthrew peoples stereotypical impression on music.

“Not Afraid” is from this album.

People began to accept this kind of music during its prime time, which started from the late 1980s. At that time, a lot of outstanding rappers produced their Hip-Hop mixtapes and albums to tell their story, mainly aboutchildhood, struggle, failures, success, freedom, or the unfair treatments they encountered (since a lot of the rappers are African American, and racism was still a big issue at that time). One of the most famous rappers during the 90s was called 2Pac (or Tupac). He wrote a lot of songs to cheer up his brothers, to praise his mother, and to criticize the irresponsible families. Tupac sang in his song: Brenda never really knew her mom and her dad was junky. He pointed out the tragedy that children from black community would often have an incomplete and hurting childhood. Then he went on: Went in debt to her arms, its sad. Cause I bet Brenda doesn’t even know just cause youre in the ghetto, doesn’t mean you cant grow. Compare to others, Tupac had his own view, believing that everyone can become independent and successful men if you believe in yourselves and work hard. Tupac also produced a song named Dear Mamato share his story between them and said how he was affected by his mother to become this strong. His Life Goes On encouraged those who fell down on their roads to cheer up and move on. Even though he did not live for a long time unfortunately, died on 1997 being shot, his spirits is still influencing a lot of artists and different people. 

The cover of “Dear Mama”

However, things seem to change recently. In the past two to four years, tremendous young rappers began to show their faces. Unlike the rappers in 90s or even early 2000s, these young rappers prefer to show off their wealth rather than talk about some serious issue. They not only love to show off how many chains and rings they got, but they also talk about drugs and sex way too much in their songs. These young fellas are so afraid that others don’t know how rich they are that they put over a kilo of chains around their necks when they are shooting music videos. They produce new songs so fast that their lyrics are made up of Gucci, Ferrari, and Lamborghiniand so on. They use easy lyrics and catchy melody to make you remember their songs in a second so that you will remember the singer. Present times, rappers can really gain a lot of fans just simply produce a song to explain how much money they have and how they plan to spend it. The internet helps accelerate the process of making songs and advertising themselves. They don’tneed to practice their skills and make their songs meaningful enough to teach people a lesson or so. 

Offset showing off his cash

Since Hip-Hop is known by people, it is a controversial topic. It includes love, conflicts, violence, sex, drugs, encouragement, and various elements. Some say the spirit of the old school Hip-Hop music, which reminds people of social issues, is more outstanding. Others argue that people are having better living condition nowadays so they should be allowed to show off rather than forced to talk about deep thoughts. Either ways, Hip-Hop is not dead. It is just evolving.

New Family Member

I am very sure that most of us desire a pet when we were kids. Cats and dogs are the sweetest dream in our childhoods, decorating our lives with their cuteness, love, and loyalty. When I was a kid, I dreamt about holding a dog in my arms all the time. I can’t even remember why I was so in love with dogs. All I know is that when I saw dogs-Labrador, Poodle, or Corgi-I was attracted by their wiggling tails, furry heads, and crystal eyes. Unfortunately, I spent my childhood begging for a dog and being jealous to my friends who own pets. I tried so many methods to persuade my mom, however, she had so many different excuses to reject my request. For example, she once told me that we couldn’t keep a dog because my grandpa and grandma were afraid of dogs. Though my anger made this statement sounded doubtful, I had no choice but to accept it.

Therefore, I forced myself to accept the truth that we weren’t allow to keep pets in our house when I was growing up. Years and years, I acted more and more indifferently to the fact that I wasn’t able to have a dog. Until July 2018, I was still cool with my three-people family. On July 6th, my mother suddenly sent a dog photo on our family group chat and asked us if we want to keep this dog. I glanced at the photos: it was a black poodle, with some white hair at its chest and legs.

“As you like,” I sent the message.

“No. We don’t have time for it,” my dad replied.

I never expected my mom would bring the dog home after two days. That confused me a little bit. Why did we get a dog when I already abandoned the thought? Why are we keeping this dog? Are you telling me that you actually like dogs? So does that mean my grandparents aren’t afraid of dog anymore? It’s like I wish to have a toy car at my four-year-old birthday and then get it after thirteen years. Jeez, what a boring nice surprise.I didn’t feel very excited. I’m a grown man now, so I hardly feel excited to see my childhood’s dream come true. This could be good news for me if I was able to travel back and told that five-year-old Lance “you’ll have a dog in twelve year so don’t give up begging our mom.”

While this little black dog was exploring her new home, my parents were discussing her name.

“Let’s name her Qiaoqiao,” suggested my dad.

In Chinese, Qiao is a name for girl, representing cuteness and vividness. Although I didn’t care about this dog, Qiaoqiao really fitted her because she could move to four different rooms in ten seconds and then jumped back on the couch.

I sat on the couch and watch her consuming her endless energy. I guaranteed to myself that this dog would be a troublemaker in the future. I was right. The next few days, Qiaoqiao torn the tissues, peed in my room, and stole the snacks on the table. It pissed us off, but when we were about to yell at her, she would open her innocent eyes and lie beside us. Even though my parents were teaching her, Qiaoqiao kept barking whenever she hears a noise from the door; jumping on my labs when I am eating chips; and pooping on the couch! Now I start to wonder if everyone’s dogs act like that or it’s just me who has this obstinate dog. May you please pee in the bathroom, lady??? I don’t want to see you sitting beside a pond of smelly liquid every morning when I wake up. My morning is suppose to be delightful, don’t ruin it!

I am very sure that most of us desire a clean and clever pet. So, Qiaoqiao, we still have a long road to go, please treat each other nicer, why shouldn’t we?

About Me

I really want to give you guys an astonishing introduction for myself, like Thor’s hammer bringing an astonishing effect. Unfortunately, I am a pretty normal boy just like everybody else. I haven’t gone to Hogwarts, I haven’t met Tony Stark, and I haven’t got the chance to join MIB. Well, I do sometimes wish that a person wearing a fine suit and a pair of sunglasses will interrupt my class to take me away for a special mission like saving the world. Until that day happen, I will still be an ordinary boy sitting in my class, trying to finish my journal, which is due next week. If you want to know me, keep reading.

So, my name is Lance, currently studying in Clifford International School. I spend most of my free time listening to hip-hop music or pop music, playing basketball, and watching animation and TV episodes and movies. Boring! Yeah, I know. Don’t expect any dramatic or breathtaking events in my life— I am even afraid of roller coaster. The most dangerous thing I have ever done was climbing a steep mountain in Xian, Mount Hua, last summer. Our group arrived at the bottom of the mountain at ten o’clock in the morning, and began to walk up to it. At first, the road is wide and gradual. I was joking around with my friend and enjoying the view. The higher we went, the narrower the roads got. When we were near to the top, the road was almost vertical to the ground. The stairs were so narrow that they could only hold one third of my feet. The only protection was those chains lying on the stones beside the stairs. I felt like walking on the cliff just like a ninja but a careful one because I didn’t dare to look down. It took us nine hours to reach the top and I couldn’t even lift my fingers to use the chopsticks at that night.

Don’t take me wrong though. I am not a weak or fragile boy. I still do some physical activities like others and basketball is my passion. I was introduced to this sport when I was grade one. However, I was curious at all the sports so I didn’t really practice playing basketball until I was grade six, where I started to watch NBA and learn how to play. When I entered high school, I finally made it to the school basketball team, which has always been my little wish. I met a lot of great teammates who helped me a lot and made me enjoy the whole season even though we didn’t win the championship. I carry their spirits and dedicate myself to the team. No matter what the team needs me to do—playing solid defense, getting rebounds, or just sitting on bench— I will do it. Now, my journey seems to come to the end but I believe our story will be told.

You think that’s it? No. These are just a very little part of my ordinary life, where sometimes amazing happens. I will keep sharing the dribs and drabs of my life, so you know what to do. (FOLLOW ME)